The last few weeks of lockdown and the measures the world has taken to limit the spread of the COVID 19 pandemic, has given us all plenty of time to reflect on family relationships, our values and the critical role of parents.

The first issue is to have clearly in your mind those factors that are hereditary and those that are environmental – the “Nature vs Nurture” debate, where Nature are those physical and personality traits determined by your genes.  As opposed to Nurture which refers to your childhood and personal experiences.  Central to Nurture is character – as no one is born with good or bad character, then it can be developed.

The critical steps are for both parents and children to subscribe to the following principles and paradigms:

• that you subscribe to a growth mentality – you can develop yourself
• you need to be proactive and take responsibility for your life
• you need a clear and balanced vision which includes your roles as parents, and scheduling priorities which include quality family time
• the critical role of good habits and interaction are vital to parenting

In terms of the major challenges currently facing all parents, one of the most important must be the appropriateness and quality of education and what the future holds for your children.  My response is to use the current disruptive change of COVID 19 to work out what you can proactively do as parents to respond to some of these challenges. 

To try and simplify a complex and life time task, I offer a simple mnemonic of 10 Cs of providing supportive, yet demanding parenting:

1. The importance of Character and every person’s ability to develop character – this starts with an appreciation and agreement by both the parents and the child (evidently age appropriate), of what constitutes good character – start with the four broad groupings of: integrity, service, humility and excellence and then you can broaden out within these groupings.  Good character is developed from good and consistent daily habits

2. Creativity – comes partially from mastering a domain, hard work, creating passion and drive – keep asking the questions, which beget other questions and will slowly turn interest into passion.  Perhaps the most important dimension of this C, especially in these COVID circumstances is to challenge your children to identify a positive in every situation rather than falling back on the easier negative

3. Caring/Consideration/Compassion – thinking of others before yourself – if a teenager has not picked up this key value trait by the time they leave home, it is less likely that they ever will –  a cold and selfish heart is not a good starting trait

3. Confidence/Courage of your convictions and what is right.  Sometimes this starts with the banal statements of what we say to ourselves every day – these will eventually represent their philosophy of life.  We have a tendency to formulate our emotions and ideas in terms of words and sentences.  We eventually become the things that we tell ourselves, so parents need to closely observe these words and alter the discourse if needed

4. Communication/Collaboration – listening, speaking and writing are still critical life skills, even more so when we need to rely on technological means of keeping in touch and lose the subtlety of the message that needs to be conveyed.  We need to bear in mind that empathetic listening is from what you hear, but also what you see and feel from the speaker – these other listening senses are lost in technology

5. Critical Thinking – thinking through the logic of an argument and defending your point of view on any and all subjects.  Practical ways of encouraging critical thinking could include asking open-ended questions than beg a considered reply, help children develop hypotheses and query the assumptions used, and challenging them on ‘facts’, notably giving them a responsibility to filter false news

6. Curiosity – in all things – ask, explore and discover – this is the route to developing interests.  Eleanor Roosevelt wrote: ‘There is no greater gift, than the gift of curiosity’

7. Change – being adaptable enough to embrace the inevitability of change.  Some change is necessary to keep ourselves constantly reviewing and adapting – too much change can be too disruptive for some children and needs to be managed.  Again, COVID 19 has prompted us all to think more deeply about the statement from Victor Frankl, the holocaust survivor: ‘‘When you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself’’

9. Cognitive Control – a psychologist’s phrase for willpower.  There is ample evidence that there is a direct link between children who can demonstrate early willpower and success in later life.  Willpower and self-discipline can be a personal strength, but can be helped by techniques of distraction and managing the environmental context.  These concepts are perhaps beyond most children, but can be assisted by parents – it involves a fuller understanding of the science of habit formation

10.  Childhood – it is well documented that children derive many of their views of the world (paradigms) and behaviours from their parents, so the childhood years are essential to set the right frame of reference and guidelines.  This can cover control and demonstrations of anger, violence, fidelity, communication – set the best example you can, so this dimension does not unduly weigh a child down in later years

As the years go by and children grow up, there are those adults who see themselves only in the role of a parent – this can shift their identity and take over their lives.  Giving children what they need becomes obsessive and leads to spoiling and preventing them getting into danger.  This can make them over-protective and inhibits the child’s ability to explore the world and make mistakes.  They do not know or realise it, but all these well-intentioned motivations are more likely to be in their own interest and not the child’s.  As a parent, give them guidance and protect them to the best of your ability, but more importantly, give them space – to develop and become individuals.

All of the points above are covered in our courses of personal effectiveness which you can find out more about on our website at www.JdlFmasterclassafrica.com.  Some participants have found the 10 Cs above to be an opportune method of getting to know their children better, softly opening up critical discussions with them on values and character, and focusing on mentoring and nurturing them through difficult phases.  It is not the challenge of our children’s future which is most important, but our response to it – I hope that this discussion gives you some ammunition as a parent to help develop your children, and by implication, yourselves.   Enjoy and stay safe.